Beach City Under Siege
One peaceful July day, Steven Universe taking a nap on the couch after seeing a six-hour marathon of his favorite cartoon called “Crying Breakfast Friends!” which was one of those “random” cartoons kids these days like so much, I guess.
Then, the phone started ringing and Steven said: “Hello? Who is it?”
“Yo, Steven! It's me, Connie, your friend, you worthless cocksucker! What's up, you fucking bitch?”
“Oh, hi Connie!” Steven replied in a very gently manner. “What's up, gal? What have you been up to?“
“I'm fine, thanks… You see, Steven, I was calling you because my parents are going to be the whole day at work and I have nothing to do, so I was wondering that if you're not busy sucking cocks or masturbating to pictures of dead animals, would you like to spend your day with me, so we can go to movies or to the shitty amusement park of the shitty town where we both have to live?”
“Y-You mean…Like a date?” Steven stuttered as he blushed.
“Ya...I guess.” Connie replied.
“Oh FUCK!” Steven thought in those moments. He always liked Connie and the idea to go on a romantic date with her made him to feel very nervous. “Connie wants to go on a date with me! But why if I ruin everything acting like an idiot?...Oh, Come on Steven, you can do this! You can do this!”
“Steven? Are you still there, you stupid motherfucker?”
“Yeah, I'm still here, Connie…And I'm not busy sucking…cocks or masturbating to pictures of dead animals (I only did that once, and I was also too drunk to remember most of it btw) so I would love to spend this day with you, Connie!”
“Ok” Connie said. “I'll be waiting for you at home, then. Smell ya later!”
Connie hanged the phone and Steven said:
“YEAH! FUCKING YEAH!!! Thank you heavens for giving me this chance!”
And then he went to his room and started changing his clothes for his date with Connie: His new outfit basically looked like the same he was wearing before but this time he tied a black bow tie around his neck and he was wearing shoes instead on sandals, because that's what humans usually wear when they are on a date. He also combed down his hair with a lot of gel. The gel kinda smelled like balls, but Steven hoped Connie didn't notice that.
“Well, Connie, here I come…” Steven said to himself, before leaving his house.
“I will be back in a few hours!” he yelled as he left.
A few moments later, Steven arrived at Connie's house and rang the bell.
“Hey, Connie, It's me, Steven! I'm ready for our date!”
Shortly after Steven said those words, Connie opened the door of her house; she was a wearing some ripped jeans and a black T-shirts with the words “FUCK DA POLICE” written on it with big red letters, and she also was wearing a black leather jacket which had a little symbol which represented the USA Flag burning in a bonfire.
“Hello Steven” Connie said in a slightly flirty manner (I know what are you thinking, but she's 19 in this story, you pervs) and Steven blushed because he thought Connie looked really, really hot. (He's 19 in the story too, so he is NOT a pedophile, you dirty-minded fanfiction reader) and then he said in a shy voice:
“Oh, H-Hi…Connie…You look really cool today…”
“Thanks, Steven, I already know that…” Connie replied. “Come on; let's go to the shitty funfair at the dock before the health inspectors close that crappy place…”
The two friends walked towards the place where their date was going to take place: The funfair at the dock was just as shitty as Connie and Steven expected, but Steven didn't care because he was with Connie.
A few hours later, after spending some hours at the shitty funfair where they found a dead rat in one of the food stands and a drunken person without pants inside a bumper car, Steven and Connie decided to go see a movie, so they went to the movie theater where they saw “Only God Forgives” and “Road to Perdition” (great movie btw)
Connie wanted to see the new Hunger Games film but it hasn't been released yet, so they went for ice cream instead.
“Oh, Connie…” Steven said, after giving some licks to his strawberry ice cream. “I've had my share of troubles in the past, but after spending this wonderful day with you, I think I should feel truly blessed...I think that I should be way more thankful with life from now on…”
Shortly after Steven pronounced those words, there was a violent earthquake and fire start falling from the sky in the form of violent meteorites that burnt some building and some people as well.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?” an alarmed Connie asked, almost choking on her chocolate ice cream.
“I don't know!” Steven replied in an anguished manner. “Connie, I'm scared!”
“We should call the Crystals Gems!” Connie suggested. “I'm sure they'll know how to fix this!”
“But I'm a Crystal Gem too! Maybe I should try to use my shield powers to save our city!”
“Steven, this is no time for your bullshit! We got to ask help from somebody who actually has useful powers, not some “healing spit” bullshit or some pinky-stupid-shield bullshit!”
Steven felt a little bit offended by that last comment, but decided to follow Connie’s advice anyway, and she ran with her towards his house in order to ask the Crystal Gems for help while a big part of Beach City was on fire.
“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUUUUUCK!” Connie and Steven screamed as they did their best to dodge the fire meteorites that were burning the city. Steven some lovable people being horrible burnt alive, and tried to help them using his healing spits, but Connie told them there was not time for that, because most of the victims died almost immediately, being turned into skeletons almost immediately after the meteorites hit them (Kinda like the laser beams from Mars Attack, but it was far more gruesome, like in a Cronemberg movie, but shit happen way too fast and most people was already dead before Steven or Connie could help them)
“Garnet! Pearl! Amethyst!” Steven screamed once he Connie arrived to his home. “Somebody is attacking Beach City and killing everybody! You gotta help us!”
Unfortunately, Garnet and Pearl weren't at home in those moments: The only one in the place was Amethyst, who was watching TV and eating chip potatoes. She was wearing a ripped blue t-Shirt with the words “SMASH THE PATRIARCHY” written on it with sparkly pink letters, and she was also wearing some aerobics tights Pearl used to wear in the 80s but Pearl didn't wear them anymore, so Amethyst was wearing them.
“Yo! What's up bitches?” Amethyst asked once she saw Steven and Connie.
“Amethyst! Where Pearl and Garnet?” Steven asked.
“Oh, those crazy hos went into a mission without me…” Amethyst replied in a somewhat bitter tone. “They said there was some Cthulhu-shit monster approaching on earth from a distant galaxy, so they fused and turned into some fucking butt-ugly abomination to fight against that Cthulhu-shit and told me to wait here in case you need something…I wanted to go with them, but they told me I still don't know how to control my fucking emotions and shit so I was left behind…Oh, I fucking hate them for doing this awful shit to me. But who the fuck they think they are’ They also look fucking ugly in their fused form with those rabbit teeth and that shitty haircut…”
“Amethyst, this is an emergency…” Steven interrupted Amethyst. “Where is my pink lion? We need his help to save the city?”
“That fucking bastard is right there…” Amethyst replied, pointing a corner of the kitchen. “Probably licking his own genitals like a motherfucking cat or dog, the dirty motherfucker… I don't know, I rarely interact with that dirty motherfucker, but if he doesn't mess with me, I don't mess with him… That's the unwritten rule of Amethyst…”
“Look Amethyst, Beach City is under siege! Some kind of evil motherfucker is burning the buildings and killing everybody! We need your help to fight against this horrible menace!”
“Ok, ok…” Amethyst replied with annoyance. “Just stop screaming…Oh, gee, I guess I will have to change my clothes to go on a fight…”
Amethyst then used her magical powers to change her clothes and she was now wearing some black ripped pants, some silver shoes with a golden star engraved in them, and a sparkly sweater with the words “SMASH THE PATRIARCHY” written in golden sparkly letters.
“Ok, now I'm ready… Let's do this shit” Amethyst said and she, Steven and Connie rode on Steven's Lion ready to protect Beach Cit, but then somebody knocked up the door.
“I will open!” Amethyst said, and she opened the door.
Outside the house there was a very nervous man, wearing a gray suit covered in blood. He had a black eye, and looked really scared, as if he was trying to run away from something.
“Mayor Dewey!” Steven exclaimed, very surprised. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Oh, Steven!” he replied, as tears fell down his eyes. “I don’t even know what the fuck is happening, but people start dying and shit and buildings were burn down! And the worst part is that the surviving citizens think this is somehow my fault! That horrible, crazy old lady is instigating the citizenship against me and started throwing stones at my houses and now they are ready to crucify me….They literally want to crucify me, I saw them making a big wooden cross with name written on it! Steven, YOU GOTTA HELP ME!!!!!”
“Mayor Dewey, Connie, Amethyst and I will do our best to protect the city! We were just ready to go fighting against the motherfucker that is burning down our city…”
“Please, take me with you, Steven!” The mayor begged. “Even if you defeat this unknown enemy, the people will kill me, because that old hag has convinced them that politicians are responsible of every single fucking bad thing that happens in their damn shitty lives! You have to let me go with you!”
“Ok, but stop crying like a bitch, cos is pathetic…”Amethyst replied, and Mayor Dewey jumped on Steven's Lion.
Shortly after this improvised team leave the house, another rain of fire started to happen and Amethyst used his magic powers to dodge that rain of fire…
“Who the fuck are you?” Steven demanded to know. “Show yourself, motherfucker?”
An evil cackle started sounding from behind a black cloud. Steven thought the voice sounded suspiciously familiar and then a grotesque silhouette emerged from the black cloud and jumped on earth, making the ruins of Beach City tremble with each one of his steps.
“Who the fuck are you?” Steven asked again, before having the chance to give a better look at his enemy: It was a very fat bald man, wearing a black leather jacket and blue shorts with blue tennis shoes. Two of his teeth emerged from his mouth, making look like some kind of disgusting human walrus.
“Oh, fuck!” Steven exclaimed, once he recognized his enemy.
It was Clarence!!! From the show “Clarence”!
TO BE CONTINUED…I said "To be continued", mofos.